Redbeard McDonough

Reference to Last Post

In my last post, I claimed that most people probably make some sort of art and that I was just wrong to think that there are boring people out and about (where would they be heading, anyway?)…then, the very next day, I went to dinner with the foreman of the construction crew I’ve been working with. He thought it was good that I was able to leave work at work, but said that he couldn’t. He made it pretty clear to me that his life is work and not much else. I respect work and I really appreciate what he does at the job site. To be clear, I like my work and I think that he likes his…but for him to not make some sort of art or to be immersed in some hobby struck me as weird. He does like to barbecue, so that’s something, and to watch football…but it was a little difficult having a conversation with him. If you don’t enjoy life once you get home, then what’s the point?

Connecting with People

I don’t connect with people enough and it’s frustrating. Then I end up lonely and living in the god damn past and it ends up being 3:30 (4 now…) in the morning in a hotel, and I still need my brain to function at work tomorrow (it wont…).

If someone doesn’t make or revel in art in some way, I think I just don’t have an interest in them. I’m unsure if that’s something I need to change about myself, or if that’s a perfectly reasonable thing…but it can’t be true that there are many who don’t revel in art, right? Maybe I have trouble finding their medium, but everyone needs an escape, I would presume…but I really don’t know.

Also, I think I forget that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of very cool passions. It’s like I just think of the world as the very small sphere that I inhabit…a sphere that, if suddenly wiped off the face of the Earth, would have minimal impact on most of humanity (though a strong impact on individuals, of course). There are many, many people who play violin, write novels, tango, make cosplay, joke, have adventures, and the like…people all around me who I have no idea about. The issue probably isn’t them…the issue is probably my failure to connect…my perception that most people just sit around and watch tv and waste their lives.

I have to remember that my life, despite these late nights, is improving. I’m putting a lot of work into having my shit together. My roommates are awesome. I’m privileged to have a working body and mind, and to live in a wealthy enough bracket that, with work, I can enjoy life.

I need to forgive myself for my past mistakes, but I really don’t know how to unless the damage of those mistakes is somehow undone. In some ways, I think the only way to forgive myself is to get a good life first, so that I can accept that I passed on a good life in the past.

Also, I think I need to make more art.

Question

Is there a name for a story that is mundane, but told as if it were epic?

Whatever those are, I love them.

When I was a child, I remember going on camping trips with the scouts, and being thrilled by the older boys and men’s stories. They would spin an epic tale out of anything and it was wonderful and kind of Dickensian since it focused so much on colorful characters (I feel like a dick for casually using the word ‘Dickensian’, but I’m running with it…).

I keep almost outlining stories about hipsters in Boston (write what you know) making a huge deal about small things. Granted, what is a huge vs what is a small deal is defined by people and not some objective thing outside of the human mind…so I guess the things that they make a big deal about are bigger than I give them credit for…

Night Time Posts

Many of my coworkers go to bed early and get up early and don’t really do anything interesting with their lives outside of work. I just wonder what’s the point (granted, I’ve never really tried it…). I have a reputation as a fun person on the job site, but it feel like I’m the only one who’s looking for interesting life experiences before I cease to fucking exist…

It strikes me that there are two types of people in the world (I know, I know, a cliche…). There are goal oriented people, who focus on careers and plans and whatnot, and experience oriented people, who focus on the next delight. I think I’m an experience oriented person in a goal oriented person’s job. That’s not to say I don’t have goals…I’m always practicing violin (oh, for the day I’m able to jam with friends…) and, just recently, I decided to get into very good shape. I wasn’t in bad shape, but with some work, I could be in much, much better shape (I sort of hate that I keep saying ‘shape’, but instead of fix it, I’m just going to point it out and hope that counts for wit enough to make it forgivable).

My goals are oriented at experiences: jamming and dates.

I still miss my ex from a few years ago, even though I’ve dated many, many people since then. I just don’t connect with most people. I think being ‘in shape’ will help my chances…not that I should stake everything on another person…but that’s always been my issue. I crave validation from others for my life.

I recently moved in with some friends from board game night. I’m constantly on the road for work, so I’m really only there on weekends, but, when I am home, living with people you love is the best. My life is slowly getting better…and after it has been, it better.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep tonight, and intellectual masturbation (blogging) always helps. I think I’ll start doing this again. I really enjoy spewing my thoughts at the unlistening masses. Maybe I’ll even get to bed early(ier)…

An Eye-Roll-Inducing Political Commentary by an Ignorant Blogger (Tumblrer)

I sometimes forget that principals only matter because of real world consequences (result of a catholic upbringing…). As if being ‘good’ is a metaphysical thing, and is somehow separate from actually making the Earth different.

This election really has me (and seemingly everyone else) very annoyed (oh yes, I know, you’re rolling your fictional eyes, my nonexistent reader, the election again…). What will be the real world result of what’s happening? What is currently the real world result? How many people people are involved with each result?

I honestly have very little grasp on any of this, but then there are some big ones whose results are obvious. We’ll do less to curb climate change, and so lose more land than we might otherwise (that’s a big one…). The supreme court may hurt a lot of women in the coming years (maybe many, many years). People may die from lack of insurance. Police may become even more militant and kill more innocent people. Homosexuals may be treated like crap by the state.

Maybe there are some good effects…maybe less people will be killed by American bombs (I doubt it, but it would be nice…). There’s a lot of opposition to Trump (I mean, not in the House or Senate, but elsewhere…), so maybe beautiful things will come from that!

On a more personal note, my mother is all upset (’all upset’ is a funny phrase, isn’t it? How does ‘all’ go with ‘upset’ for an individual?) that I didn’t vote pro-life (Catholic upbringing…). It’s frustrating because I can’t talk with her about it without her getting emotional. She’s allowed her brain to fade from lack of use, and I have trouble feeling comfortable around her at all (a problem I’ve had for a long time). I really don’t know what to do about it. I suppose, to make some real world progress, I should try to connect with her…

Up Late, but What Else is New?

I’m sometimes a little confused about what should be capitalized in a title…does that look right to you? I’m not going to look it up now. I shouldn’t even be typing this now…

There are plenty of things I want to be working on this moment. I’m partway through writing what I think may be my best novel (I have a really epic one done, but it will need a lot of editing). I would love to break out my fiddle or work on my (newly acquired) drawing skills. I’m passionately trying to make my life into something beautiful. I’ve dated some people who lived life beautifully, but somehow I feel like I (and most of my friends) fail in that. We live uninspired lives, and I’m constantly working to fix that in myself.

I can’t work on art tonight, however, as I really, really need to make more progress on a program for a customer before my new boss reviews it tomorrow.

Oh! By the way, I have a new home (Raleigh, NC (it’s not exactly Boston…)) and a new job, which is awesome, but really demanding and stressful. My ADD is hampering me at every turn (including tonight). Fortunately, I have you, my questionably existent readers! If I do some piece of art, it helps me concentrate and not get all defeatist. I’ll probably be up all night working on this code and surfing Facebook (I really hate that I do that…), but writing this now will help. That’s just the way it is. I need to create!

An Attempt at Being Interesting

Needed to do a quick, middle of the day update to get some steam off.

Right now I’m feeling very lonely. The way, it seems, to combat loneliness is to surround yourself with people who you like (though that may not be right…I spent all day with a friend yesterday and it wasn’t actually very helpful…). The way to surround yourself with people who you like is to do things that you like.

It’s a little difficult to do anything when you’re very lonely, but I’m beginning to fill my life with lots of activities: film prep (the director isn’t being quickly responsive though, and it‘s driving me crazy!), dance (my ex doesn’t seem to be there, so it’s beginning to feel safe again…), bike events, rock climbing, fiddle lessons, grown up shit, and study (not really a group activity, but I think I’d be happier in grad school than where I am right now, so I’ve been going through my physics textbooks).

Basically, the way to attract interesting people is to be interesting, and the way to be interesting is to be interested.

What I Write and Why

I’m not self-aware enough to know why I need to write. Where does this strange compulsion come from? What I know, is that when I do write, I feel better. There’s something in me that needs to get out…

Yesterday (oh, wait, it’s 4 AM, so I guess two days ago…) I saw a fb status asking for a car for the month of August from a woman I used to be friends with.

She and I were both very Catholic at one time. While I was moving away from the church, she messaged me asking if I would be, as I understood it, some sort of mentor for her as she was thinking about leaving the faith (she didn’t know where I was in life, that we were in similar conditions was just a coincidence). I didn’t respond as I was thoroughly confused myself.

Anyway, now she’s back from Oxford, where she was a medical student, and begging for a car. I responded offering her mine and a conversation ensued. Toward the end, she said ‘I don’t know if you date non-Catholics, because if you do…’

Naturally, I responded that I’d love to take her on a date, to which she said that she was involved with someone in England, but she had a friend…

You know when you want to crawl into a cave and disappear? This was one of those times that I really didn’t want to be called ‘sweet.’

Now I’m here, remembering my old love, whose affection I gave up for the sake of the Catholic Church, and it sort of sucks.

What is really good, is not being Catholic. Being Catholic, you have to pretend that you have all these values and beliefs that don’t come naturally to you and that you don’t really want. It’s painful and difficult, and can potentially hurt you very badly. Now I’m really me in a way that I wasn’t before.

It’s sort of important to me at this point that I am an agnostic. I have some nihilistic tendencies that are curbed because I really do believe that I have seen miracles (a belief which kept me in the church much longer than it should have…), so at this point, I’m just embracing the idea that I don’t know what’s out there, or any ‘why’s outside of human minds. Embracing my own limitations even while striving to be more.

I think this is badly written, but I’m not going to go through and edit it. I’m really very tired and I need to sleep. Maybe this blurb will help mend me enough to sleep the next three hours until my alarm goes off…

Dumped, Diary, and Drive

I had a passionate, short-lived love affair with a really awesome woman. She dumped me on Sunday, largely, I believe, because she had difficulty trusting others and being vulnerable (her Tumblr since then has been a bunch of posts about vulnerability (she called me ‘super sweet and very stable, very attractive’)).

 I think some good things came out of it. I’d had trouble moving beyond my girlfriend from a year ago (still was the best relationship of my life…), but this helped me realize that there are other really awesome women out there (my fear, which is ridiculous, is that there somehow aren’t…).

There are a few other things to take from it…

She implied toward the end that I had no drive. I have let myself become kind of sedentary (not in life, but in creating…in life, I’m constantly dancing, rock climbing, or studying something new). It really angered me. Since then, I’ve been forming lots of plans and really getting on my director (he really pisses me off by not responding to me…).

She had a lot of emotional intelligence. Things to think about for the future include not being defensive (saying ‘yes, and’ to other people’s ideas (an improv thing…)), recognizing and embracing vulnerability in future relationships, and making sure to show others that you empathize when listening to them.

I’m in a much better place now than I was before the relationship (even though it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have yet to sleep…).

I need to start a diary. Every time I have an amazing experience, I wish that I’d had one. My experiences aren’t going to end. It’s like I use the idea that so much has gone by unrecorded as an excuse not to record things. It’s silly.

This may be the least funny post I’ve ever done…huh.

Some Pseudo-Anthropology for Your Ridiculously Early Morning

It really isn’t okay that this loneliness has become my life. I think it’s making me old fast.

Sorry, I had to say ^that^ somewhere, and there’s nobody in my real life I can just say it to…

I recently finished watching The Wire. In the last season, one of the characters, who’d finally put his life together, started to fall back into destructive habits and his fiance began distancing herself, and it was really stressful. I kept saying things like “no, no, no” as he made obviously bad decision (like my mother, I apparently interact to some degree with the tv–”don’t go in there! The killer’s in there!”).

My roommate asked while we watched if everything with me was about relationships. She was being a little snarky, and perhaps she meant romantic relationships, but it struck me as a poorly thought out question on her part. I think that the most part of most people’s lives is relationships. Not all brains are great at math, but most can do the much more complicated tasks of recognizing faces, emotions, and subtleties in language. We are supposed to be social animals! Yes, most things in my life are about relationships, at work, at home, out on the town…even when I’m alone, I’m usually reading or watching something that, at its core, is about relationships.

I think that there’s something wrong with our society in that it can be really difficult to break out of loneliness. I imagine (if you’ll let me wax a little pseudo-anthropologic for a minute), that people used to live much more communally (at least it seems so, based simply on what I imagine it would take to make me happy again…), so that loneliness probably wasn’t so much of a problem.

I may be wrong, though I don’t think that I am (otherwise I probably wouldn’t have said it…).